It can be just a little nudge. Almost imperceptible. Or it can be a full-on heart pound that makes you wonder if you’re gonna need a trip to the ER.
You’ve been triggered. Maybe it’s a snarky comment in a meeting at work or your manager just found a mistake in your analysis. It could be an uninvited critique from your partner about how you might’ve scrambled those eggs better.
If it’s a little thing it might distract you from what you’re doing for a bit. If it’s a big thing it can bring an outsized sometimes regrettable reaction or cause you to shut down. And it doesn’t feel good.
Self-regulation — the ability to control and manage yourself and your emotions — is one of the major elements of emotional intelligence. Out of the 67 leadership competencies in FYI for your improvement™ (FYI), COMPOSURE is often a top pick for my clients. Not because they have a problem with it. But because they see it as foundational to great leadership and want to up their game.
FYI describes COMPOSURE as being cool under pressure. Handling stress well. Not becoming defensive or irritated or visibly frustrated in tough situations or when you are resisted or blocked. Being a calming force in a crisis and not getting knocked off balance by the unexpected. It’s not just acting this way. It’s being this way.
What just happened?
Emotions are electricity and chemistry according to FYI. When we perceive a threat our heart pumps faster and with greater pressure. Glucose is released for increased energy and strength. Our eyes dilate to take in more light. Breathing increases for more oxygen.
The system’s designed to help us fight or flee from danger. It makes the body faster or stronger temporarily. Diverting resources meant for our stomach and thinking brain. That’s why we get upset stomachs or can’t think straight in this state.
We might be able to lift a heavy object off a trapped person but we can’t think of the right thing to say in a meeting.
When this electrochemical cascade kicks in it can cause us to say or do bonehead things or shut down. If no threat follows the trigger it takes as much as 90 seconds for our system to calm down.
That’s why your grandma told you to count to 10.
Composureself
Tame those triggers. FYI tells us that most of us have just a few repeating triggers and a little detective work will expose them.
Write down instances where something’s set you off in the last week or so and notice what registers on your threat meter as you go through the next few days.
What themes emerge? LifeLabs Learning says our triggers fit into the four basic buckets below.
Belonging threats. Not feeling liked or accepted or valued. Being excluded.
Status threats. Feeling disrespected. Dismissed. Incompetent. Criticized. Marginalized or misunderstood.
Fairness threats. Perceived unfair or inconsistent treatment. Of ourselves or others.
Safety/security threats. Loss of control. Security. Independence. Negative surprises. Discomfort.
Other factors that play in setting us off include physical space. Time of day. Hunger and exhaustion.
Get curious. What’s causing these reactions? Is it ego? Sensitivity? Getting caught short? Being found out? Publicly called out? Lack of patience? Perfectionism? Are you controlling or maybe defensive in the face of criticism? Do you overreact when you’re tired or hungry?
Our reactions are mind-made. We have the control to change them. How could you reframe these threats? See them differently? And insert better responses? What do people you admire do in these situations?
Look Inside. A dedicated daily meditation and mindfulness practice teaches us that the true source of our sense of belonging and status and safety comes from within. Not the external world.
Take a minute. No matter how good we are at keeping our cool we’re still gonna get triggered at times.The power of the pause combined with some tools can help us get back on track.
(1) Notice when you’re getting triggered. A heart rate increase or tightness in your gut or muscle tension. Try to name it. Are you feeling anger? Fear? Sadness? Don’t judge the feeling. Let it be. Take a beat.Then choose a better response. Research shows that after being triggered the second or third thing you think of to say is the best option.
(2) Shift your sitting or standing position and do some deep breathing to calm your system down.
(3) Try to ask a question and listen to the response.
(4) Ask yourself if you can see the situation in a different way.
(5) What would someone you admire do?
Good news
Most people I’ve worked with make quick and lasting progress. They easily gain insights into their triggers and figure out better ways to react. People around them take notice.
Meditation has a multiplier effect. Feeling calmer is its own powerful reward.
And remember to count to 10.