It’s been the Sunday Morning word of the year and the main ingredient in most posts of curated wisdom. It doesn’t cost money. Giving and receiving it feels incredible. It helps resolve me-you conflict, breaks logjams in high stakes negotiations, and can, quite literally, save a life. When I forget to do it, I kick myself after, as it’s so obvious that it would have been better if I had.

It’s simple, but not easy, to just listen. To truly hear and understand the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, fears, and dreams of the human in front of us.

It’s not easy because our autopilot drives us to listen just enough to form our own response so we can agree or not, heap our well-meaning smarts and advice — our “shoulds” and “ought tos” — on others, or commit the dreaded “boomerask” where we ask a question, get an answer, and bring it back to us. All leaving others feeling frustrated, unheard, and sorry they even brought it up.

Think about a time when you felt really listened to. Or a person in your life who consistently and patiently listened to you and made you feel special and understood: like you mattered. They showed genuine care and maybe even helped you become you. Sit in that for a bit. Right? We crave this so badly we pay others to listen to us and walk us through our experiences.

Listening is a verb. Taking in what someone is saying without formulating a response or rendering judgment requires intention, awareness, and focus to really engage. Some tips from the experts:

• Summarize what you heard, “Lemme make sure I understand. What I think you said was…”

• Ask questions. Neutral, sincere, questions like “What else happened? How’d that make you feel?” Not the “I’m gonna get you to see it my way” kind.

• Appreciate and acknowledge what the person is thinking or feeling. “Ouch! That must’ve hurt, and you can’t put a bandaid on that one.”

If we really inhabit the space of another, without an agenda, this flows naturally from genuine curiosity, interest, and giving a darn.

Countless books, TED talks, and workshops are a google search away to teach us the ABCs of listening. It’s simpler than that. Just decide to show up and show interest — listen more than talk. When we set intentions, our actions follow. And, if we catch ourselves veering, we can get back on track with a simple question.

Give the gift that keeps on giving

As we do the holidaze and they do us, this gift can be given to anyone. Family, friends, strangers, even pausing and listening to ourselves! And, this kind of listening can be the antidote to the fireworks that can ignite when explosive subjects find their way into our gatherings. While they didn’t carry the lifelong baggage of family members, I had many spirited conversations as I journeyed across the country with people who had very different beliefs than mine about vaxing, guns, abortion, and immigration. When I listened with genuine interest, sans judgment, that same respect and interest came right back at me. The right kind of boomerask. Common humanity. We’re all in this world together.

Safe and happy holidays!

Thoughts are welcome