Can you hear me now?
As they do every December, both Oxford Languages (Oxford English Dictionary) and Merriam-Webster announced their word of the year for 2019:
The Oxford Word of the Year is climate emergency. “Climate emergency is defined as ‘a situation in which urgent action is required to reduce or halt climate change and avoid potentially irreversible environmental damage resulting from it.’ . . . Our research reveals a demonstrable escalation in the language people are using to articulate information and ideas concerning the climate. . . “
Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year is they. “It reflects a surprising fact: even a basic term—a personal pronoun—can rise to the top of our data. Although our lookups are often driven by events in the news, the dictionary is also a primary resource for information about language itself, and the shifting use of they has been the subject of increasing study and commentary in recent years. Lookups for they increased by 313% in 2019 over the previous year.”
My word of the year
I knew what my word of the year for 2019 was going to be in January. It was my word of the year in 2018. It’s an odds-on favorite for 2020. It’s pervasive in our work, our lives, relationships, our current events. Or, should I say its absence is pervasive.
It’s simply: listen
I could cite a bunch of research showing that better leaders, better job performance, and better relationships are linked to better listening. Instead, let’s do this: think of a time when you felt really listened to: fully, deeply heard, understood, respected, honored. Then, think of a time when you really listened to someone else: fully, deeply. You understood them. They felt heard and seen. Enough said.
Three states of listening
Whether it’s an interaction at work, our partner or kids sharing their day, or a casual interaction with a stranger, we operate in three states of listening:
While listening is silent, fully hearing and understanding is active: paying attention, replaying what was said, asking clarifying questions, probing for understanding. When I get fully into that third state of listening, I no longer have to try to think of the right questions, or the right way to replay what someone has said. It just comes, it flows, it’s effortless.
And, all this listening isn’t just directed at others. We also need to listen to, hear, and understand ourselves. What did I just say? Why did that knot just appear in my stomach? What am I thinking, feeling, needing, or not saying?
Hearing aids
Full throttle listening isn’t natural for us. It takes practice. As you often hear me say, help is just a google search away. Find what works for you. A few of my favorite tips:
We don’t need a bag of tricks to listen. We just need to want to. Set an intention and pay attention. What do you want out of this conversation? What will get us there? Keep an open heart and mind.
Put away devices and other distractions. Eye roll.
Set personal agendas and opinions aside.
Slow down. Slowing the pace of the talking creates space for listening.
Physical connection matters. Face the person you’re listening to (even better if there’s no table or desk between you). Make eye contact, and show interest: nod, smile, acknowledge. Connect.
Replay what you heard and ask questions. Be curious and interested. Coaching conversations are a great way to form this habit.
Meditation. Nothing, nothing, nothing will help with listening more than a regular meditation practice.
“Generous listening” is a common activity in communications workshops. Pairs take turns listening in two-to-three minute intervals to each other without speaking. Try it with a friend using a safe topic, maybe a movie you saw. It’s a little awkward at first, yet it produces profound results. Shoulders lower. People often say they haven’t been listened to like that in years.
This one’s interesting: listen generally to nature: birds, the rustle of the trees in the wind, the rain. To the sound of the heat blowing in your house, traffic, the noises in the night when you wake up. There are sounds everywhere that we don’t listen to. Julian Treasure’s TED talk on this is fascinating. If we pause to listen and hear what’s around us, we build awareness.
And, finally
Full circle back to climate emergency and they, if we had listened to, heard, and understood each other, where might we be? It’s never too late.