Two ears. One mouth.
The surest way to further cement someone to their convictions is to challenge them. Especially with those pesky, irrefutable facts. Yet we do this. We double down over and over again, and generate frustration for ourselves — dumbfounded wonderment at how someone could not see what we see so clearly — and strain relationships, or worse.
Adam Grant’s newest offering, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know, is his usual Gladwellian smorgasbord of research tidbits that expose the surprisingly bonehead things we think and do without knowing it to compel us to “rethink and unlearn” — to step back, back off of our cemented positions, and open up to other’s views. When we shift to questions and listening with genuine curiosity and humility, not only might we open our own minds and grow our knowledge, but the safety we create for others might open them up to that same curiosity and willingness to examine their beliefs.
preacher prosecutor politician scientist
Grant says we adopt mindsets and identities around our beliefs: “We go into preacher mode when our sacred beliefs are in jeopardy: we deliver sermons to protect and promote our ideals. We enter prosecutor mode when we recognize flaws in other people’s reasoning: we marshall arguments to prove them wrong and win our case. We shift into politician mode when we’re seeking to win over an audience: we campaign and lobby for the approval of our constituents. The risk is that we become so wrapped up in preaching that we’re right, prosecuting others who are wrong, and politicking for support that we don’t bother to rethink our own views.” He prescribes instead the mindset of a scientist: “defining ourselves as people committed to the pursuit of truth - even if it means proving our own views wrong.”
It’s full of behavioral science fun facts: “according to the Dunning-Kruger effect, it’s when we lack competence that we’re most likely brimming with overconfidence.” The higher our IQ, the more prone we are to stereotype. We ignore or deny the existence of a problem if we don’t like the solution. Imposter Syndrome might not be all bad — the humility associated with it might make us better learners. And, innovative people not only accept being proven wrong, they delight in it — they operate beyond the ego-driven need to be right to the higher-minded quest for pure learning.
two ears. one mouth.
As I was reading Think Again, David Brooks published Wisdom isn’t what you think it is. It’s more about listening than talking, in which he takes about 850 words to capture what Grant took over 250 pages to convey, and it’s written from the heart.
“People change after they’ve felt understood,” Brooks observed, “Wise people don’t tell us what to do, they start by witnessing our story. . . . They see our narratives both from the inside as we experience them, and from the outside, as we can’t. They see the way we are navigating the dialects of life — intimacy versus independence, control versus uncertainty — and understand that our current self is just where we are right now, part of a long continuum of growth. . . . They ask you to clarify what it is you really want, or what baggage you left out of your clean tale. They ask you to probe for the deep problem that underlies the convenient surface problem you’ve come to them with. . . . It is a skillful, patient process of walking people to their own conclusions.”
This can’t be done with an agenda. It must come from a place of genuine openness and curiosity, not concocted questions designed to change a mind. We can smell an agenda a mile away, and can feel played and betrayed by it.
Brooks and Grant ask us to move from our polarized positions to receive each other as humans, not categories. Grant offers a recipe book of “actions for impact” to shift perspective. The most elemental action is the simple shift from telling to questions and listening.
brought to us by Dale Carnegie in 1937
We’re actually full circle back to Carnegie’s 1937 How to Win Friends and Influence People — don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Be genuinely interested in people. Remember their names. Smile. Make others feel important and do it sincerely. Try honestly to see the other’s point of view. If you’re wrong, admit it. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
His work was curated from ancient philosophers to the modern wisdom and psychology of the time. It all boils down to powerful timeless values — empathy, curiosity, compassion, humility, patience, kindness, service; recognizing the humanity of our fellow person.
Think Again, indeed!