To regret is human
No regrets! A common mantra that feels good, bold, and energizing. You can’t change the past, so why dwell on it? Not so fast, Dan Pink, who brought us Drive, tells us. In The Power of Regret, he uses his signature playbook of research, clever insight, and anecdotes to reframe regret as part of our hard-wiring, and a key driver of our learning and growth. “Regret,” he tells us, “makes us human. Regret makes us better.”
Unsatisfied that 70 years of research didn’t yield a full understanding of regret, in 2020 Pink launched the American Regret Project, a survey of nearly 4,500 adults in the US, and subsequently established the World Regret Survey, collecting more that 16,000 regrets from people in 105 countries. His analysis revealed new insights and advice.
Regret reframed
Pink describes regret as “…that stomach-churning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn’t chosen so poorly, decided so wrongly, or acted so stupidly in the past.” It is distinguished from disappointment in that we take personal responsibility for it.
Studies have revealed that regret shows up around the age of six, and the only people who don’t experience it suffer from some sort of brain damage. When asked the question, “How often do you look back on your life and wish you had done things differently?” 43% said frequently or all the time, and only about 1% said never.
We regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did do. And, we spend way more time in the “if onlys” — “if only I had trained more for that race” — than the “at leasts” — “at least I finished in the top 25%,” even though the if onlys make us feel worse while the at leasts make us feel better. This is how regret serves us, “. . . by making us feel worse today, regret helps us do better tomorrow,” says Pink.
The stomachache of regret can slow us down, cause us to collect more information, and consider more options before acting. It boosts performance, increases our persistence and learning, and can deepen meaning for us — guide us toward our values and purpose.
The big four
Consistent with prior research, Pink collected data on the types of regrets we have — about finances, career, partner choices, education, health, family, friends. His major insight was seeing a pattern. Our regrets fall into four basic categories — “deep structures” — each representing a fundamental human need:
Foundational regrets. Education, financial, and health regrets — not completing our education, spending more than we should, not saving, and unhealthy habits — affect our basic human need for stability. “When such decisions eventually cause the platform of our lives to wobble, and our futures to not live up to our hopes, regret follows.”
Boldness regrets. Those things we didn’t do, those chances we didn’t take — not studying abroad or traveling, passing on that start-up, not taking a chance on love, or not speaking out. “A stable platform for our lives is necessary, but not sufficient” to satisfy our human need for growth.
Moral regrets. Our lapses — cheating on a partner, stealing (even a little bit), bullying in middle school — violate our basic human need for goodness. Our moral regrets, according to Pink, were the least frequent, but they nag us deeply.
Connection regrets. Our broken or neglected relationships with family, friends, partners, and coworkers deprive us of our basic human need for love. “What gives our lives significance and satisfaction are meaningful relationships,” Pink says. This is the largest category of regret.
The big four link directly to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs — physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. And our regrets are values clarifying. Think of your own most regrettable regrets. They mirror your core values.
Don’t regret your regrets too much or too little
Our regrets can get us stuck if we can’t get past them, and they can’t help us be better if we ignore or deny them. Pink offers some strategies for us to optimize our regrets:
Undo it. Apologize, make amends. Repair as much of the damage as possible.
At least it. Consider how the situation could have been worse and appreciate that it isn’t.
Disclose it. Admission lightens the load. If you don’t feel comfortable telling someone else, write it down. Organizing our thoughts keeps them from rolling around in our heads and overstaying their welcome, and deepens our learning.
Distance it. Consider lessons learned from a place of detachment. Zoom out in time and look back. View the regret as a neutral observer would. And, studies show referring to ourselves in the third person helps. (Channel Elmo)
Be kind to yourself. It doesn't help to beat ourselves up. Treat yourself like you’d treat a friend. Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff is a great resource for this.
To avoid regrettable actions in the first place, Pink tells us to anticipate regret. For those big four types of decisions, go to the future and imagine which choice supports a solid foundation, is a sensible risk, is the right thing to do, or connects us to others.