Trust is a tricky thing. It can form instantly when we inexplicably click with someone we just met. It often builds slowly over time. It can be lost in a single moment never to be regained.

In my work, trust comes up more than any other word. We need trusty people in our lives. We want to be trusted. Our work is miserable when we don’t trust our organizations. And trust is the foundation of good relationships, which are the  most important thing in our lives.

The trust equation

I love this simple framework for trustworthiness that’s widely used in leadership development from The Trusted Advisor. Like so many concepts cloaked in a business context, it generalizes to all of our relationships. 

Trust = 

credibility + reliability + intimacy

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self-orientation 

Credibility relates to what we say. Are we perceived as being competent, capable and knowing what we’re talking about? Do we tell the truth consistently? Reliability is measured by what we do. Do we walk our talk and do what we say? Can we be counted on? Intimacy is the perceived safety we create for others. Do we give others confidence that they can share vulnerable things with us? Self-orientation is the degree to which we operate in other’s best interests vs our own. A high self-orientation erodes trust. 

Pinpricks

Sometimes trust-makers and trust-busters are big and obvious. Much of the time though, trust is built or eroded by a whole bunch of seemingly  little things. 

I’ll call you tomorrow. Then the day gets away and you don’t. I’ll take care of it. Then you forget. I’ll stop by the grocery store on my way home. Then you’re too tired, or it’s crowded and you blow it off. 

You ask a member of your team on a Friday to get a presentation done by Monday. She delivers it first thing Monday morning and you don’t look at it for days. She skipped a hike with a friend to get it done.

Signals get mixed: I thought you were going to do that. No, I thought you were! Didn’t we agree to…?

These small things can register big on our emotional Richter scale. If trust is strong, a pinprick or two won’t break it. Yet, consistent pinpricks can. If trust hasn’t been built, these small things can prevent it from forming. 

Messy agreements

We don’t wake up each morning eager to get out there and let someone down. So what’s up? Maybe we’re not aware that we’ve made a promise or commitment. Or maybe it isn’t clear what the agreement is. Maybe we’re not really committed, or we blow it off and assume no one will notice. Sometimes we just plain forget.

The 15 Commitments to Conscious leadership tells us, well, to be conscious and to:

• Be  clear about our agreements. Who’s doing what by when? Only agree when you’re committed.

• Make good on ‘em!

• If you can’t keep a promise, say so and reset. 

• If you broke a promise, even a little one, apologize sincerely and agree on the go-forward. 

Cleaning up my own messes

When I wrote about this a few years back, it got quite the response, so I thought it was worth a reminder. And, I shared at the time that when I began to clean up my own messes, I was surprised at what a big impact it had on…me! I felt good. Better. Lighter. I’d been unconsciously feeling the discomfort of my messes. I also cut down on my micro white lies like, I can’t, I'm too busy. That further lightened my load.

I lapse and need to remind myself regularly to pay attention. And, our promises aren’t just with others — they're with ourselves. I’m working to check off those things that have been on the bottom of my self-care “do list” for too long!